5 ways to get fat, unhealthy and die young

5 ways to get fat, unhealthy and die young

Avoid getting caught up in the cult of health and embrace a life of convenience.

1. Eat only processed food and lots of sugar

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Processed food is cheap and easy to get your hands on so get as much of that shit into you as you can. This is important, your food is how your body maintains itself. To avoid good health you've got to avoid good food!

Vegetables are your enemy here, unless your foods come in some sort of packaging that has a lengthy list of ingredients then it's probably best to steer clear. All the good stuff will be in the middle aisles in your local supermarket, usually in bright and interesting packaging. If you have kids even better, just buy whatever they lose their shit over. Marketing companies will target them so they annoy you until you buy their crap. Use this to your advantage.

If you want to take things a step further, remove every appliance from your kitchen other than the microwave. You should also get rid of every utensil other than butter knives, spoon and forks. This way your diet can only consist of highly processed convenience foods and take away.

Also, consider drinking alcohol excessively and start smoking.

2. Move as little as possible

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I hope your couch is comfy because you're gonna be spending a lot of time there.  Get yourself a Netflix subscription and games console and you are set.

If you do have to leave the house for some reason then travel by car. You don't want to be burning calories walking to a bus stop. Luckily you can almost entirely avoid moving around in the real world these days, with online shopping and delivery covering all of your survival needs.

I recommend moving less than 5000 steps a day if possible. Do this and you will be well on your way to weight gain and poor health!

3. Get Stressed

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People often forget the importance of a daily dose of stress when it comes to maintaining poor health.

Avoid planning if you can and try and be late for things. Creating a general sense of chaos around yourself is a great way to generate stress.

You can also try spending your money on frivolous things. Struggling to pay the bills is another timeless stress builder.

Things to avoid include meditation, yoga and spiritual or community based practices of all kinds.

4. Don't waste your time sleeping

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With so many TV shows available for binging why sleep? Coffee and sugar will help maintain energy levels so that sleep can be a secondary consideration.

There is a huge array of energy products available for purchase at your local supermarket, and most of the them double up as processed crap food so you can't lose!

Drink coffee late at night where possible and throw a bit of alcohol in the mix too as it aids in reducing sleep quality. You should also use your phone in bed every night. This will prevent you drifting off to sleep too quickly. Just make sure the screen is on full brightness to get the most benefit.

Give social media a quick go before bed too, you’ll want to get that mind racing. Try looking back over some old posts that you now find embarrassing. That should keep you up for at least 45 minutes longer.

For the sleep you do get try and make it random and unpredictable. Avoid creating any sort of schedule at all costs.

If you nail all of these things you are basically guaranteed a terrible nights sleep for the rest of your life. It's a highly reliable but often overlooked aid for weight gain, poor health and mortality!

5. Isolate yourself and get negative

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Human contact and a supportive community has been shown to be a significant contributor to long, healthy and happy lives across the globe and so clearly must be avoided.

Stay home and minimize real human contact. Maybe try trolling people online, this can help build an internal cynicism that will help push others away. You can reinforce this by making a concerted effort to point out flaws in other people and society in general.

Being alone and shrouded in negativity will dump your health into exciting new depths as your mind along with your body cease to be conducive to life.

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Are you a proud Earthling?

Are you a proud Earthling?